On how I have changed

Lately, I have been thinking about whether it's even remotely possible (financially speaking) for me to visit the States for a couple of weeks this summer. And that has led me to reflect on a variety of things. What do I miss about the United States? What things will seem strange to me when I return there? Have I forgotten how things work there? (I have a friend who was here in Morocco for two years through Peace Corps, and she told me that, when she returned to the States, she discovered when she tried to put gas in her car that she'd forgotten how to do it.) Have I changed, and how much, and in what ways? And will people notice?

I'm very aware, sometimes achingly aware, of many of the things that I miss from back home – tofu, grilling outside, good beer, organic food, chiropractic care, alternative medicine options, content and well-fed domestic animals, the English language.

I've also been in Morocco long enough that I know some of the things that I will miss when I leave – the slower pace of life, mint tea, the ubiquity of cafés with good strong coffee, public transportation, hired help (who wouldn't miss that?).

The question of how I have changed is of most interest to me. I have spent large chunks of my life either wanting or trying to change myself, with little success. Perhaps we go through the most change when it is not our primary goal but a natural consequence of some other action that we take. How have I changed? Here in Morocco, mostly due to the language barrier, I have become more introverted (even though I didn't think that was possible). I think I will be more outgoing in the States. I think I will be thrilled that I can communicate with nearly every human being I see. I used to hate making almost any kind of phone call; I don't think that will be the case anymore. I think, at least for a while, I will be happy to be able to so easily talk to the person on the other end.

Another aspect of myself that has changed – and I'm really not sure how I feel about this – is the "working" self. Up until last May, I always worked (except for a couple of stressful periods of unemployment, during which I was still putting in 30 to 40 hours a week to try to find work). I have always thought that working a lot is something I should do and is something I need to do. I'm starting to understand that it is possible to have a balanced life, to work hard and work well, to contribute positively to the world, but without working all the time. This is not something I have yet achieved, and I'm not sure it's something I can achieve, but I have met people here who are doing it or trying to do it.

There are other ways in which I have changed that have not made me happy at all. Despite the facts that I don't own a car and I walk much more than I used to, I have still managed to gain weight here. In response to this, a couple of weeks ago, I renewed my commitment to increased exercise and strengthening my body through yoga, weightlifting, and more walking. This is just the most recent in a long string of mostly futile attempts to actively change myself, so we will see how it goes.