Last night, T helped me buy a one-way ticket to Nebraska for early June. The nature of the ticket (i.e. one way) is indicative of the uncertainty in my life right now, and it feels strange to know that 1) I'll be flying without T (we hope he'll join me somewhere and sometime in the U.S. later in the summer; we just don't know exactly when/where), and 2) I don't know if/when I'll be coming back to Morocco. You would think that, after so many uncertain springs in my life, I would be used to this feeling by now, but I'm not. Not at all. I suppose that, for some people, this sense of openness may be exhilarating, but that's just not my personality type.
Maybe I should focus a little more on what I do know about my future. I know that I will spend a couple of weeks in Nebraska with my parents. I know that I will take a road trip with my dad to Bowling Green, Kentucky, near the end of June, and that I will stay there for my clinical internship until early August. I know that, after that, I will need to get myself down to Dallas, Texas for my sister's wedding. But what's beyond that? I don't know.
For my sister, August 11 is a day of joy and anticipation, the day when her new life starts. I am very, uncomplicatedly happy for her. But at the same time, I see that date looming in my own future like a sharp cliff. I don't know what's beyond it. And again, even though this feeling might be familiar, it's quite uncomfortable and disconcerting.
Future, here I come! As soon as I can figure out where you're hiding…
Yeah, I know I'm here in Baku until June 15 and after that, I have no idea. I know it makes some people crazy, or they just want some answer. But I won't give it. I used to always need to know, but now I like stepping into the void. It brings me great things.
ReplyDeleteJABS,
ReplyDeleteSooner or later, we all have to face these types of decisions. Your locale and lifestyle may change, but remember that you take your abilities along wherever you go.
I'm really glad that you have this opportunity to spend with your family, to get to do your internship and of course to be back in the land of easily accessible and dependable washing machines. :) Good luck, and keep me posted.
That's a good reminder, Citrine. Thank you.
DeleteCome see us!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can have a meetup in the ole NOLA.
Jessica, if I had money, I would LOVE to do this. But both time and money are going to be very precious commodities this summer. Don't you want to take a family vacation to Kentucky…?
DeleteJust because you've had uncertainty before doesn't make it any easier. I tend to obsess about things like that. I like change but I also like to have a plan, so I know how you feel. Keep us posted as we will be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, ryfsmith!
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