Lately, the absence of my friend LW, my chronic "unwellness," the difficulty of completing a U.S.-centered graduate program while living overseas, and the uncertainty about where I'll be in five months have all gotten me thinking again, rather intensely and frequently, about the idea of loving a country. The cold weather and my health have prevented me from spending much time outdoors, and I find that, without interesting trips and time spent sitting at cafés in the sun drinking mint tea with friends, I like Morocco a lot less.
I've been wondering, too, how many people love or like or are even content with the place where they live. It may not be apparent from my blog, but in my adult life, I have tried to approach each place I've lived with a general attitude of openness and appreciation. I have tried to make each place my home, even when I knew I wouldn't be spending much time there. But if I am completely honest, I must say: I have utterly failed to make Morocco my home.
I haven't explored enough of the country. I haven't taken advantage of its proximity to Europe. I haven't learned the language, and as much as I like to declare that this is evidence of my general dimwitted-ness, it's really evidence of my failure to integrate, to settle down. I haven't made Moroccan friends. I haven't learned enough about Islam. I haven't even asked the University imam to give me a tour of the mosque on campus, and it's the only mosque in the country that I, as a non-Muslim, can visit.
Where do I go from here? I'm not sure. I know that lots of people live in places where they don't feel at home. What do they do? I want to turn from bitterness and get up each morning with the intention of trying to live here. I will renew that intention every day, to the extent possible. That's all I can think of to do.
Adapting to a new place IS incredibly hard, and some places are harder than others (I'm sure Morocco is much harder than, say, Singapore, where everyone speaks English).
ReplyDeleteLike you said, there are lots of people out there who are getting by in their new country of residence, but certainly not loving it, and probably never will. What do they do? Well if they don't have the option or the luxury of moving again, like we do, I guess they just make the best of it, try to make friends, and get on with life, and find things to enjoy. What's the alternative? Sitting at home and hating the place, wishing you were somewhere else? It's a recipe for depression and homesickness.
You mentioned the things that you feel you have 'failed' at -- but the good news is, you can still make the choice to turn away from the bitterness you feel, and try out new things. It's not too late for you to find a language exchange partner and pick up a few new words. It's not too late to call up the imam and take that mosque tour. Tomorrow could be a much brighter day than today. Tomorrow could be the day you make a new friend who invites you out for mint tea. Tomorrow could be the day you find a new hobby you want to try, or meet someone who can teach you something, anything.
My advice would be to get out as often as possible, to not stay home, to check the guide book and go exploring, even if it means going alone. In fact, in my experience, it is BETTER to go alone, and with an open heart, because it forces you to connect with the place you are in and adapt yourself to it. I've seen a lot of expat wives, especially those without work/study, afraid to venture out, and instead just stay dependent on their husbands for companionship and not take the difficult step of finding their own thing to do in their new country. It sure is hard though, and scary, putting yourself out there, trust me, I know. There were more than a few nights in Tokyo when I walked home alone at night in tears because I didn't know a single soul. But I was determined to find things to do, to meet people, to build up some kind of life. I accepted all invitations. I joined the community center. I joined a group at the local university even though I didn't speak any Japanese. Heck, I even went once a week to this old lady's house to learn how to make origami, not because I was interested in origami, but because doing SOMETHING was better than doing NOTHING.
So, keep trying, keep going. Take the necessary steps to get out more often. Your time in Morroco is limited and you've already made a list of things you haven't done yet but WANT to do. So, get about doing them. Make the calls. Join the club. Grab your map and take a walk. Sit alone in a cafe and maybe people will talk to you. You never know. Just don't stay home! Going out more, and interacting more, and learning new things, will give you that boost of confidence to realize, "Wow, I can do this. I can follow this map. I can find the bazaar. I can have a basic conversation in a foreign language. I might have gotten lost, but I found my way out. I can do this!!"
I hope you will find a few things that will improve your day to day enjoyment of life in Ifrane, and hopefully a few friendly faces to help you on your way. Good luck!